The Last Act.

Foster Care brings out the best and the worst in everyone involved.  For me the worst is the Judgement.  I am not proud to admit how much I judge the people involved in my children's cases.  I have lots of righteous things to say or at least think about their parents from the moment I get the call to take a child into my home, once they arrive I have more to say about the condition they arrived in, and even more as I assess their condition, their behavior, their nutrition, their overall personality.  There is a lot of judgement to be had about how the parents about how they could raise their children like this, how they could let them end up in Foster Care...

I Mean Clearly If It Had Been Me............

Lucky for myself and my new family, kids and parents included, I feel like I recover pretty quickly and the best of me comes out...Compassion.  I have learned how to be more compassionate over the last few years.  Here is what I figured out after becoming a Foster Parent:

It's NOT Me...I've Never Been Where They Are......

Being compassionate has been difficult this week.  Daughter #3's Mom surrendered her rights a few months ago.  She knew she wasn't in a place to be a parent, and wanted to give her daughter a chance at being adopted and having a family, a chance she never had.  We visit with and with out our Daughter, and we have a good time together.  I feel like we have a great relationship and that it's about as good as it could be. 
THAT is what I wanted for her Dad too.  I wanted outings, and meals and adventures with smiles.  Memories that would tie us together as a family and last us our lifetimes.
He has always said that he wouldn't surrender, but recently I had hope that MY dreams for our future would come true.  The Judge told him to consider it.  The Caseworker told him to consider it.  I told him what visits would look like...I hoped.  

I also told him that I would respect whatever decision he made. 

This week we found out what his decision would be...
He will fight.  He will not surrender.  He will fight until he can't fight anymore. 

WHAT!  But I told him what it COULD be like.  The Caseworker told him what he would LOSE.  This is obviously what is best for his Daughter.  WHY is he not listening! 

That is the judgment in me.

Here is the compassion.

The compassion is that I also told him that I would respect whatever decision he needed to make.  The compassion is that whatever that decision is, I know that he is doing it out of LOVE for his Daughter.  It is that no matter what, she will always know that he is her Dad, that he Loves her and that he fought for her. 

I don't know WHY he is making the choice that he is, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't understand it.  I've never had to make that choice.  What I do know, is that I would fight for my daughter if I had to too.  What I do know, is that neither choice is a great one, and that either way it has to be killing him to make it.  I also know that no matter the choice, nobody wins.

We, as a society, I think, judge parents for their parenting.  We judge parents for losing their children in the first place, we judge them some more for the way that they work the case plan, and we judge them again when they are faced with making the worst decision of their lives, surrender or fight. 

How could they give up their rights?  How could they NOT give up their rights?
I don't know how they could or could not do either, I've never been there.

I know this too...I know that there are stages of grief.  Denial.  Anger.  Bargaining.  Depression.  Acceptance. 
Yup, if I was grieving any one of those stages would tell me that my decision should be to FIGHT! 
So my compassion tells me that this is his LAST ACT.  This is his GRIEF.  THIS I WILL NOT JUDGE. 

I pray that no matter how long a trial takes, I will be guided by Grace to honor my promise to respect his decision.  I pray that no matter what I hear in a trial that will inevitably make me a Mom and him the Father of one less child, I will always know that this fight was fought out of love and out of grief.  I pray that no matter the outcome, I can do this fight justice when I tell my daughter how much her Dad loves her and how hard he fought to be her Dad. 

At the end of the day, if it were me, I may of made the same choice.