The Last Act.

Foster Care brings out the best and the worst in everyone involved.  For me the worst is the Judgement.  I am not proud to admit how much I judge the people involved in my children's cases.  I have lots of righteous things to say or at least think about their parents from the moment I get the call to take a child into my home, once they arrive I have more to say about the condition they arrived in, and even more as I assess their condition, their behavior, their nutrition, their overall personality.  There is a lot of judgement to be had about how the parents about how they could raise their children like this, how they could let them end up in Foster Care...

I Mean Clearly If It Had Been Me............

Lucky for myself and my new family, kids and parents included, I feel like I recover pretty quickly and the best of me comes out...Compassion.  I have learned how to be more compassionate over the last few years.  Here is what I figured out after becoming a Foster Parent:

It's NOT Me...I've Never Been Where They Are......

Being compassionate has been difficult this week.  Daughter #3's Mom surrendered her rights a few months ago.  She knew she wasn't in a place to be a parent, and wanted to give her daughter a chance at being adopted and having a family, a chance she never had.  We visit with and with out our Daughter, and we have a good time together.  I feel like we have a great relationship and that it's about as good as it could be. 
THAT is what I wanted for her Dad too.  I wanted outings, and meals and adventures with smiles.  Memories that would tie us together as a family and last us our lifetimes.
He has always said that he wouldn't surrender, but recently I had hope that MY dreams for our future would come true.  The Judge told him to consider it.  The Caseworker told him to consider it.  I told him what visits would look like...I hoped.  

I also told him that I would respect whatever decision he made. 

This week we found out what his decision would be...
He will fight.  He will not surrender.  He will fight until he can't fight anymore. 

WHAT!  But I told him what it COULD be like.  The Caseworker told him what he would LOSE.  This is obviously what is best for his Daughter.  WHY is he not listening! 

That is the judgment in me.

Here is the compassion.

The compassion is that I also told him that I would respect whatever decision he needed to make.  The compassion is that whatever that decision is, I know that he is doing it out of LOVE for his Daughter.  It is that no matter what, she will always know that he is her Dad, that he Loves her and that he fought for her. 

I don't know WHY he is making the choice that he is, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't understand it.  I've never had to make that choice.  What I do know, is that I would fight for my daughter if I had to too.  What I do know, is that neither choice is a great one, and that either way it has to be killing him to make it.  I also know that no matter the choice, nobody wins.

We, as a society, I think, judge parents for their parenting.  We judge parents for losing their children in the first place, we judge them some more for the way that they work the case plan, and we judge them again when they are faced with making the worst decision of their lives, surrender or fight. 

How could they give up their rights?  How could they NOT give up their rights?
I don't know how they could or could not do either, I've never been there.

I know this too...I know that there are stages of grief.  Denial.  Anger.  Bargaining.  Depression.  Acceptance. 
Yup, if I was grieving any one of those stages would tell me that my decision should be to FIGHT! 
So my compassion tells me that this is his LAST ACT.  This is his GRIEF.  THIS I WILL NOT JUDGE. 

I pray that no matter how long a trial takes, I will be guided by Grace to honor my promise to respect his decision.  I pray that no matter what I hear in a trial that will inevitably make me a Mom and him the Father of one less child, I will always know that this fight was fought out of love and out of grief.  I pray that no matter the outcome, I can do this fight justice when I tell my daughter how much her Dad loves her and how hard he fought to be her Dad. 

At the end of the day, if it were me, I may of made the same choice. 

Mothers, Role Models and Bitches

I learned how to be a Mother in an instant.  I mean it was after all the classes, homestudy, and conversation, but it was still an instant. He was 8, and it was about 2 weeks before Mother's Day. He had a Mom, he clearly had a Mom, in fact he spent all of Mother's Day with her.  I of course thought that I had all of that mothering thing figured out, so when my husband did nothing for me on that Mother's Day, saying that I was upset would be an understatement.  But then Son #1 came home with a card from him and his Mom for me for Mother's Day.  I think that was the first time that I realized that he didn't need me to be his Mom, he needed lots of other things from me, but to be his Mom was not one of them, HIS Mom on the other hand was twice my age, and she might have needed me to be her mom...she at the very least needed a friend and a support, but I don't think she would have argued about me being her mom.

A few weeks after Son #1 went home, Daughter #3 came.  It was a Tuesday.  I was driving home from work, and they said she would be here within the hour.  She was, she was here within 45 min.  It's been 23 months since that night, and she is still here.  I have been her Mother and loved her and cared for her.  I have taken care of her when she was sick and kissed her boo boos.  She is an amazing little spit fire that reminds me so much of her Birth Mom every day, the great parts of her.  Over the last 23 months, I have written her letters, lots of pictures, text, called, taken her out for coffee, dinner, and visited her in the Inpatient Psychiatric Unit.  Well I'm still doing that last one.
Actually, pretty early in the placement Mom asked if she could come live with us and for us to be her Foster Parents too.  We said No, I still think about that decision.  We said no because we were not in a place to parent a young girl who was almost 20.  We didn't have the space unless she shared a room with her 6 month old daughter and she was not in a good place to be trusted.  That was the first time that me being her Mother came up.  The latest has been during that last couple of weeks while she has been Inpatient.  The first night I visited her one of the other patients thought that I was her Mom, and a few times after that she wished that I had been her Mom and then she wouldn't have ended up this way.  Yeah, that sucks.  Part of me wishes I could have been her Mom too.  Then after a week of visits and bringing her clothes and underwear and food I realized that I am being her Mom.  I am parenting her and her daughter.  I hope that doesn't make me a Grandma!  I am not that much older than her, at least not old enough to actually have been her Mother.  But after her own Mother deserted her and left her in Foster Care, too stubborn to surrender her rights and she was too broken to be adopted, after several failed foster care placements, residential placements and institutions, she aged out.   Broken.  No where to go and no one to turn to.  So, I guess after all that I would want me to be my mom too.  I would want ANYONE to be my mom.  Just to say I have one.  Just to say I have SOMEONE.

Role Model was never on my To Do list either.  I don't think Ive ever done that before, except maybe to the little kids I used to teach to swim when I was in high school and college.  I might have been their role models.  Although that's not saying much, since to them i also seemed like an Olympic Swimmer, which I clearly was not.  But I think its pretty safe to say I don't have much experience in how to be a Role Model.  Until...I found out that I am... Apparently, Role Models can show parents how deal with their kids behavior.  Apparently, a Role Model can show people how to NOT judge other people.  Apparently, a Role Model can show people how to be good parents, and just good people in general.  All without knowing they are doing it.  My youngest Mom wants to be a good Mom like me, Son #1's Mom wants to discipline like me, Daughter #3's Mom wants to be as successful as me...
 I don't think that I WANT to be a Role Model, that is a lot of pressure.  And geez, what happens when those people who look up to me figure out that I am not as great as they think I am?  What happens when they find out I have skeletons in my closet too?  What happens then?  Letting people who I have allowed to believe that they can depend on me down is really not on my To Do list.  I mean really, what idiot decided that I had it together enough to be in this position...that's a lot of pressure.

Bitches....hm mm....Let's be real...that's what all of this really boils down to...I am a Mom and a Role Model all because it is really easy to make me your Bitch.  I have a hard time setting boundaries and I pretty much cant say no.  That is all.  Can you send this to the visit?  Sure!  Can you buy them that?  Of course!  Would you come visit me?  Well I can't let you be alone.  How about dinner, will you bring me some?  Naturally!

Regardless of the label that is on it, this is exhausting!  But for me, this is how I Foster.  I do my best to Foster the Family, not just the child.  Truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I believe that none of us can do it alone.  We all need a Mother, a Role Model and sometimes even a Bitch.